Well after doing a little, not a little there I go dimming, inner work and reading a few psychology articles on human behavior I learned something very interesting. According to many research studies, there is an interesting mechanism of pysch behavior--- COMPENSATION, OVERcompensation and UNDERcompensation
All my life I've had to UNDERcompensate. Totally not normal behavior right?! While many of the people on my journey of life have felt the need to OVERCOMPENSATE for whatever weakness, problem, inner issues and shit I had nothing to do with--I UNDERCOMPENSATED to adjust and make other people feel comfortable with my greatness. None of which often times I even cared about, bragged about or felt the need to boost about. See I learned to take the humble road way too often to account for other people issues very very early in life.
At a very young age, I knew there was something great inside of me that needed to be shared with the world. I didn't just now begin to recognize signs and symbols or see and communicate with spirits. I also knew very early on that some girls didn't recognize or appreciate who I was. Walking from Klondike Elementary in Kindergarten, a girl put a stick on my shoulder, if you are from the hood you know what that means. She wanted to fight. Why? I have no clue! Simply because I didn't talk much. If you are reading this and you are a brown girl, you know that if you are "light skinned with long hair" you automatically are stuck up and think you are better. Not that you are dealing with issues no child should be dealing with at that age. After that fight, I slowly morphed from a bright, courageous, super intelligent--mind you I started Kindergarten at 4 and was already reading the entire Encyclopedia into a shy, introverted, undercompensating little girl.
What I did was only share my authentic self with my family and my only two best friends my cousin Kim and my friend Shirlena. I never talked about all of the things that fascinated me. I never shared all I knew or recited the entire National Geographic magazine. I never sang aloud. I never danced in front of people. I never shared in my excitement of looking pretty. I never shared my work in class. I never spoke French in front of my peers.
Why?! Well because all of the little girls who were so busy overcompensating for whatever they imagined they fell weak in found some type of fault in me.
I learned to appear not too smart. I learned to curl my hair really tight or want to cut my hair so it wouldn't be long. I learned to let people think they were right when it would burn me up on the inside because they were wrong. I learned to dim my light because well if I shined it they would push me down in the mud after school. Yea, Tia Van Hook I still remember that day. I learned to not talk about all the flights I took. I learned to not share my experience as a NFL girlfriend. I learned to not brag about being in pharmacy school. I learned to never talk about all of the spiritual knowledge I gravitated towards. I learned to not speak of the neurological research I have done on rats, mice, and crawfish to understand human anatomy and develop medication.
Now as a 35 year old woman, I STILL find myself UNDERCOMPENSATING to make others feel secure about themselves. I undercompensate because well now folks try to undermine my greatness. You know pulling the self taught card or "she really ain't making all that much money" or you know she really don't do all that by herself she has help. I pull out the sign that promises of my humility. See, that's where I go wrong sometimes. Humility is indeed a virtue--but you can have just a little too much of it. You know why? People use your humility as a weakness. They underestimate all of the great things you have accomplished against all odds. Your skills get pushed under the table. You become way too docile and soft spoken. People start to believe they have one up on you. When in actuality, their weakness and lack of character need to be exposed in order for them to grow up and get out of their own way. Things have changed though! Now Fenise, that little girl that was having a fit inside of Andrea isn't so humble anymore. She embraces her magic. She knows the divine power. She knows why God gave her all of the things others couldn't appreciate.
You know the creativity. The intelligence. The strength. The resourcefulness. The people. The connections. The beauty. The tenacity. The struggles. The good and the bad experiences. He gave them all to me to USE them. Yes honey, God did chose me to be a vessel. He wanted me to allow them to shine bright because someone along the way would truly embrace them and allow them to be a source of inspiration.
Now that I have my own little princess to raise and I see a pattern in little girls not appreciating her humble spirit as well as her gifts. I am reminded to lead by example. Amira WILL not dim her light. I refuse to allow her to UNDERCOMPENSATE. She will gracefully yet boldy walk into her light. She'll share herself with the world.
As you gear yourself up to enter into the beginning of a New Year, shed all of the things that no longer serve your greater good. Leave the humility in 2016 and boost and grab your greatness tightly and embrace it. I promise you someone may need it. Your light may guide them out of their personal darkness. You may be a source of inspiration to someone who has something so great to offer the world.